Since you have started LUNA, you have probably noticed ways you help your child avoid situations that make them feel anxious or help them with their quick fixes. This is what we call “accommodation”. Sometimes, avoidance behaviors and quick fixes can become so integrated into your family’s lives that they are missed or overlooked, and this can happen due to accommodation. Almost all caregivers of children with anxiety disorders accommodate avoidance or quick fixes to some degree. This is completely natural, as the instinct of loving caregivers is to protect their children from experiencing fear or anxiety. Although accommodating helps you and your child feel better at first, it does not give your child the chance to face their fears and learn to overcome them. In this section, we will discuss strategies to help you support your child while identifying and reducing your own accommodation behaviors.
As we discuss changes you can make in your parenting, we want to make it perfectly clear that we do not believe caregivers are the cause of anxiety - but they can be part of the solution, as we hope you have already seen! Anxiety is caused by a combination of biology, life experiences, attitudes, and behaviors; not parenting. That said, anxiety often shows up in parent/caregiver-child relationships because children seek out their caregivers for safety and protection from things that frighten them. Our goal is to empower you with strategies to help your child most when they come to you experiencing anxiety.
Let’s first take a look at how Sophia and George’s parents accommodate their anxiety. The tables below have “Accommodation Type” on the left side, which are broad categories of accommodation. Caregivers can fill in specific ways they accommodate quick fixes and avoidance on the right side.
Now it’s your turn! Fill out this Accommodation Worksheet to track the things you do to accommodate your child's avoidance and/or quick fixes. On the left, there are different types of accommodations. On the right, you can list the ways that you might provide that type of accommodation.
As your child takes steps to overcome their fears and worries, you can help them by reducing accommodations you make for their anxiety. For example, Sophia is trying to overcome her social anxiety, but she is struggling. Sophia’s mom tells her ahead of time that she is going to stop speaking for her in social situations so that Sophia can practice facing her fears. She does this in a specific way – by expressing empathy for Sophia and confidence that she can do it. She tells Sophia, “I know it helps you feel less anxious when I order for you, but I know you can do it by yourself, so next time someone asks you a question and we are together, I am not going to answer for you.”
While at a restaurant with her mom, Sophia is feeling very anxious. When the waiter asks Sophia what she would like to drink, Sophia looks to her mom to answer for her. Instead, Sophia’s mom stays silent and does not speak to the waiter. While this was hard for Sophia’s mom to do, and an upsetting experience for Sophia at first, refusing to accommodate Sophia’s anxiety pushes her to face her fears and order on her own.
When it comes to changing your accommodation behaviors, it’s helpful to remember that you have complete control over how much you accommodate as a caregiver. If your child or teen has resisted facing a certain fear or if they get stuck at certain steps, you can help them overcome these fears by reducing accommodation.
Communication While Reducing Accommodation
When caregivers begin reducing accommodations, it is natural for kids to seek out those accommodations and to negotiate and argue about these changes. In his book, “Breaking Free of Child Anxiety & OCD,” Dr. Eli Lebowitz makes some helpful suggestions on how to maintain a supportive relationship even while reducing accommodation. You can do this by focusing on how you communicate with your child and how you talk about anxiety.
Sometimes, parents can be overprotective when communicating with their children (“Don’t worry, nothing bad will happen!”), and sometimes parents can be overly demanding (“Just get through it already!”). When reducing your accommodation, it is best to strike a balance somewhere in between these two extremes. Expressing empathy, understanding, and acceptance for what your child is going through, while also communicating confidence in their ability to face their fears, is the best way to maintain supportive and balanced communication.
For example, when George is anxious about going outside in the rain, George’s mom says, “I know you feel scared when the weather is bad (acceptance), and I know you can handle it (confidence)!”
This whole process can be difficult for caregivers as well as children and teens! You are learning a whole set of challenging new skills and encouraging your child to put themselves in anxiety-provoking situations. It is important to manage your own anxiety throughout this process and have a plan in place to deal with tough moments. Managing distress may include taking deep breaths or developing a motivating phrase to tell yourself as your child overcomes their fears (for example, “This may be hard now, but it will help in the long run”). Speaking to other caregivers with anxious kids can also provide great support; there are more anxious kids than you might realize!
