Since you have started LUNA, you have probably noticed ways you help your child avoid situations that make them feel anxious, or help them with their fix-its. This is what we call “accommodation”. Research shows us almost all caregivers of children with anxiety disorders accommodate avoidance or fix-its to some degree. This is completely natural, as the instinct of loving caregivers is to protect their children from experiencing fear or anxiety. Although accommodating helps you and your child feel better at first, it does not give your child the chance to face their fears and learn to overcome them. In this section, we will discuss strategies to help you support your child while identifying and reducing your own accommodation behaviors during mission plans.
As we discuss changes you can make in your parenting, we want to make it perfectly clear that we do not believe caregivers are the cause of anxiety - but they can be part of the solution, as we hope you have already seen! Anxiety is caused by a combination of biology, life experiences, attitudes, and behaviors; not parenting. That said, anxiety often shows up in parent/caregiver-child relationships because children seek out their caregivers for safety and protection from things that frighten them. Our goal is to empower you with strategies to help your child most when they come to you experiencing anxiety.
Let’s first take a look at how Sally and Neil’s caregivers accommodate their anxiety. The tables below have “Accommodation Type” on the left side, which are broad categories of accommodation. Caregivers can fill in specific ways they accommodate fix-its and avoidance on the right side.
Now, it's your turn! Fill out the Accommodation and Fix-Its worksheet to track the things you do to accommodate your child's avoidance and/or fix-its. On the left, there are types of accommodation:
- Provide too much reassurance
- Help child avoid situations or do things for them
- Help child with fix-it behaviors (like checking things out for them, washing things for them)
- Provide safety items (like too much hand sanitizer)
- Change family routine because of your child’s anxiety
On the right, fill in how you might accommodate avoidance and fix-its.
Now that you have identified the things you do to accommodate avoidance or fix-its, let’s talk about how to reduce accommodations using mission plans. The next time you revisit your mission plans and consider new steps, we encourage you to reflect on the accommodations you just identified and incorporate them into your plan. A real advantage of changing accommodation behaviors is that you have complete control over these behaviors as a caregiver; if your child has resisted engaging in certain mission plans or has been stuck on certain phases in their mission plan, incorporating accommodation into mission plans can be a great way to progress, as you are thinking about things you have complete control over.
Let’s take a look at how Sally and Neil’s moms have incorporated accommodation into their mission phases:
Sally:
- Mom will not answer for Sally when the waiter asks her what she would like to drink (if she does not answer, she does not get a drink)
- Mom tells Sally that she will only answer her questions once. When Sally asks questions about whether something is dirty, after the first answer, Sally’s mom will say, “I realize you are scared about being dirty, but I know you can handle not knowing for sure!”
You might remember that Neil’s mom is already reducing her accommodation in his mission plan related to fears of the dark; she is working with Neil so she can be further and further from him at night when he is falling asleep. Here are other ways she has thought of reducing accommodations during mission plans:
Neil:
- Mom writes one text back per outing
- Mom does not text back during her outings
- Mom leaves the house without her phone
- Mom turns off lights in different rooms in the house once she leaves them
When you are thinking about modifying your mission plan with your child this week, make sure to incorporate ways to reduce your accommodation as well and communicate these changes or additions to your child.
