Everyone responds differently to their feelings, and anxiety can look different in everyone. Some people may appear fearful, shaky, or panicky. Some may respond with anger when they are forced to face their fears. And others may distance themselves from others or become emotional/tearful. However, your child could do all these things for reasons that may have nothing to do with anxiety. For instance, they may feel overstimulated, overwhelmed, confused, or sad. Or they could be acting out and misbehaving.
For instance, George slams his bedroom door after his parents tell him he must go to school that day. George may be lashing out this way because: 1) he feels anxious about walking to school that day because he is afraid it might storm, 2) he feels uncomfortable and overstimulated around all the students at his new high school, or 3) he is angry because he just wants to stay home and play his new video game.
Sophia doesn’t talk to many of her classmates at school. She may not be engaging because:
- She feels anxious about being judged by others
- She doesn’t know how to interact with them
- She prefers to be alone
- All the above!
As these examples show, knowing when your child or teen is experiencing anxiety is not always straightforward, especially if they don’t tell you. Because these behaviors can look the same, we have provided a few questions below that you can ask yourself to help distinguish anxiety from other reasons for a behavior.
What does the behavior look like?
If the behavior includes verbal or physical aggression, it is not acceptable – regardless of whether it is caused by anxiety or not.
Is your child trying to accomplish something with their behavior?
Are they trying to gain access to something they want or get their way? If so, why do they want that thing? If they are trying to gain access to something they want, this is unlikely to be an anxiety-driven behavior.
Are they trying to get out of doing something or trying to avoid something? If they are trying to avoid something, ask yourself why. If they are avoiding something because they expect something bad will happen, they are unsure of what will happen, or they think it will feel overwhelming to do, it is likely driven by anxiety. Thinking about these questions may give you some insight into your child’s behavior.
What is triggering their behavior?
Think about what happened right before your child behaved in a certain way. Would your child find anything about the situation worrying or scary? Then, think about all the other times your child has behaved this way. Are there any common themes?
For instance, when Sophia’s mom picks her up from school, Sophia is sometimes very irritable and argumentative. At first, Sophia’s mom is not sure why her daughter is behaving this way. After some reflection, she realizes that Sophia is only argumentative on the days that she picks her up late. This is because Sophia has a hard time dealing with changes in her routine, causing her to become anxious and irritable when her mother arrives late.
How does your child respond if they are successful versus unsuccessful?
It can be helpful to watch how your child responds when they successfully avoid a situation versus how they respond when they are required to follow through. For example, George’s parents are planning to visit their extended family for the weekend, but George doesn’t want to go. Before the trip, Geroge becomes very irritable and starts hiding away in his room for hours at a time.
In this example, George’s dad may ask himself these questions: Does George stop acting irritable and secluding himself right after I tell him he can stay home? If George goes on the trip with us, does he continue acting irritable the entire time? Are there certain things that cause George to start acting irritable again during the family visit? Asking these questions about your child’s specific behaviors can help you figure out if certain things or situations are causing them anxiety.
It is okay if you cannot always clearly tell if certain behaviors are due to anxiety or not. This is not an easy task! If your child has a lot of insight into their anxiety, they may be able to tell you what makes them anxious, and why they are behaving in a certain way. But some kids and teens may be in denial about their anxiety, or they may not know how to talk about it. Other times kids may not even know that their behaviors are due to anxiety. When addressing your child’s anxiety, you can first try tackling the problems that are clearly anxiety-related and wait to address the problems that are less clear. Over time, it often becomes easier to know which behaviors are anxiety-related, and which are not.
Note about autistic meltdowns:
It is important to distinguish intentional bad behavior from autistic meltdowns. Some autistic youth may behave in destructive ways when they are experiencing a meltdown (for example, throwing objects, hitting themselves, yelling, crying, or cursing). But unlike bad behavior, meltdowns are involuntary expressions of intense distress, not manipulative attempts for your child to get what they want. It’s important to know that autistic meltdowns are not a choice. Meltdowns are usually caused by periods of overstimulation from sensory sensitivities or emotional overwhelm. Once an autistic person reaches this level of overwhelm and overstimulation, they have very little ability to calm themselves down and they may have a hard time functioning overall.
The key to overcoming autistic meltdowns is by preventing them from occurring in the first place (if possible). Your child may have certain signs that indicate they are approaching meltdown territory, such as acting irritated and stressed out, appearing confused or spaced-out, or shutting down and attempting to withdraw. Once you’ve determined that your child is at risk of having a meltdown, you can help them by reducing any sensory sensitivities or emotional pressures that may be the cause. Your child may also benefit from using some sensory coping skills at this time (we will introduce you and your child to different coping skills in a later module).
Another way to prevent a meltdown is by making sure your child or teen is taking care of their basic needs, such as getting enough sleep, food, and exercise. If your child’s basic needs are being met and they feel good physically, it will take a lot more for them to become overwhelmed or overstimulated enough to experience a meltdown.
Unfortunately, some meltdowns are unavoidable. You can reduce negative effects of a meltdown by giving your child space, providing a calming environment, and expressing empathy. Meltdowns can be very upsetting for those witnessing them, but they can be even more painful and distressing for the person having the meltdown.
