When caregivers begin reducing accommodations, it is natural for kids to seek out those accommodations and to negotiate and argue with you about these changes. In his book, “Breaking Free of Child Anxiety & OCD,” Dr. Eli Lebowitz makes some helpful suggestions on how to maintain a supportive relationship even while reducing accommodation by focusing on how you communicate about anxiety. Sometimes we are overprotective in our communication with our children (“Don’t worry, nothing bad will happen!”), and sometimes we are overly demanding (“Just get through it already!”). When reducing your accommodation, it is best to strike a balance and communicate acceptance of your child’s emotional experience and confidence in their ability to face their fears.
So, instead of saying, “Nothing bad is going to happen (overprotection), just go to sleep already (demanding)!,” Neil’s mom might say, “I know you feel scared when you are alone at night (acceptance), and I know you can handle it (confidence)!” Be sure that you are expressing confidence in their ability to handle the strong feeling rather than confidence in the outcome of the situation. We encourage you to rely on these “support statements” if your child is negotiating accommodation behaviors or arguing with you as you begin to reduce accommodations.
Managing your own distress
Mission plan practice can be difficult for caregivers as well as kids! You are learning a whole set of challenging new skills and encouraging your child to put themselves in anxiety-provoking situations. It is important to manage your own anxiety during treatment, and to have a plan in place to deal with tough moments. Managing distress may include engaging in skills such as taking deep breaths or developing a simple motivating phrase to tell yourself as your child practices (for example, “This may be hard now, but it will help in the long run”). Speaking to other caregivers with anxious kids can also provide great support; there are more anxious kids than you might realize!
