Are you a helicopter parent?

Overprotective parents are often referred to as helicopter parents. While they have their child’s best interest and safety in mind, they might be overbearing at times. A Baylor College of Medicine child and adolescent psychiatrist explains the motive behind helicopter parents and emphasizes the importance of sympathizing with them. 

“A helicopter parent is often fueled by anxiety, and that anxiety can come in different flavors: anxiety for their child to be safe, successful or not to be emotionally harmed, as well as anxiety to keep up with the Joneses or what their family or culture expects,” said Dr. Laurel Williams, professor in the Menninger Department of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at Baylor. 

A helicopter parent is one who does not allow for their child to do things that most would consider to be developmentally appropriate on their own with less direct intervention by the parent. Demonstrating sympathy and empathy as well as understanding these parents is crucial as they typically act this way as a desire to be helpful. Williams does not recommend telling these parents that their behavior is harmful but suggests asking questions about why they act this way. 

“Don’t tell someone they’re a helicopter parent, but instead, approach them in a way to not make them feel judged,” she said. “Support them first and see if they’re willing to concede: ‘I notice you often step in when there’s a disagreement on the soccer field, can you help me understand why?’ They might have a good reason, or they might be willing to listen to why their behavior shouldn’t continue.”

Helicopter parents try to make the pathway easier for the child, but if they insert themselves in their child’s issues too often, the child might not learn how to handle failure and disappointment. Parents need to model how their kids should handle these feelings, such as not making a sports team or getting a bad grade on a test. 

“Be helpful in planning on how this doesn’t happen again, but if you don’t let them handle it on their own, you can delay their development,” Williams said. 

While it might be difficult to let your child do tasks alone without adult supervision, it is important to identify the right time for them to do these tasks independently, like walking to school or going to the mall. If your child demonstrates that they can be responsible and follow multi-step commands over time without losing track, they might be prepared for more independence. If they cannot fulfill these duties on their own, it might not be time to let them do things out of your sight. Williams recommends doing dry runs: ask your child to remember to do things at certain times when you still have oversight so if does not go well, you can intervene. 

“If this goes well, do further dry runs where you do the activity with them, but you don’t tell them what to do and simply walk alongside them to see if they follow the steps you’ve discussed, like getting to school on their own,” she said. 

Williams also suggests asking your child about the things that worry you to see if you feel comfortable in their response. Let your child show you that they can manage the task on their own. 

Some older teenage children might argue that their parents are overbearing compared to their peers’ parents. If a child lays out these concerns, listen to them and explain why you created these rules. Parents can use this opportunity to see if the child can handle a mature conversation. Instead of telling the child they can have something or gain a new privilege, ask the child to give reasons as to why this situation should change, which teaches them how to negotiate and have a clear understanding of the risks and benefits. 

“It doesn’t have to be an emotional decision where you give in right away, so make sure to have the conversation at the appropriate time so you can sit down and talk with your child. This will teach the child patience and delayed gratification,” Williams said. 

Listen to your child and have a family meeting with all parents present before making changes to the rules.